I keep hearing that "You'll just pop overnight one night!" and that's fine - but can I get some kind of warning, please? Mostly because I have my company's annual Christmas party to go to in exactly three weeks and I should probably plan to wear something other than my leggings. I should probably also rise to the occasion and put on a bra for once. One thing at a time, Casey.
Let me explain: The physical part of this class has you hold specific poses for extended periods of time, learning to work through the pain. Well, for those of you that have ever tried to do something of this nature, you know that sometimes your muscles (or lack thereof) will shake uncontrollably. Unfortunately for me, my ass was the only thing shaking. When I tell you that until that moment, I had never "twerked" a day in my life, I am not exaggerating. This is 100% not from lack of trying. In fact, many a nights were spent in front of the mirror trying to force my body to move in a way that is just not naturally possible. I blame my Irish heritage for this failure. Regardless, my ass was shaking from holding this position at such an alarming rate, that I thought it was either going to fall off or propel me into the air. Either the woman behind me pretended not to notice, or she too was considering going into the music video industry.
A perfect example is on Wednesday. The weather report said that rain would be beginning any minute now, and that it was advised to stay indoors. What my brain actually heard was "You must leave immediately to go to Panera Bread. Take a life jacket if you must. Godspeed".
Of course by the time I get to Panera it looks like Noah's Ark should be departing at any moment. I pull up to the drive-thru window and proceed to order $30 worth of food. For myself. I did not catch the fine young gentleman's name that helped me, but I will call him Jesus because he was my savior that day.
Jesus: Welcome to Panera, how may I help you?
Me: Turkey....bacon....oh cheese...macaroni and cheese...scone? Scone.
Me: Sorry. Can I please have everything?
Jesus: Ha ha!
*He obviously was not getting it*
Me: Ok, fine. Can I please have a flatbread. And..
Jesus: Anything else?
Me: Whoa, guy. Yes. A lot more else. Can I please also have a chicken noodle soup....and a tomato soup.
Jesus: Are we talking cups or bowls?
Me: We are talking full bowls.
Jesus: Ok, you are aware that those each come with a baguette, right?
Me: Is this normally a problem for people?
*Still not getting it*
Jesus: So yes to the baguette?
Me: Yes, absolutely YES to the baguette.
Jesus: Okay, ma'am, your total i-
Me: Sorry, me again. I'm not done. Can I please also have....a Caesar salad.
Jesus: Full or half?
Me: Is this still a question we're asking? And YES I'll take the baguette.
Jesus: $31.25 ma'am, please drive around.
Me: Please throw in some chips, too.
When I drove around, Jesus looked a little alarmed to discover I was not driving a small school bus full of hungry people. I paid and then mumbled something about, "my husband will be so excited about this soup", when in reality he wasn't even going to be home that evening. In my haste, I drove directly over the drive-thru divider, likely leading those behind me to believe that eating wasn't my only problem.
The very next day, my dilemma was Chinese food. The real problem here was they had online ordering. Clicking on food names instead of justifying my choices to Jesus was just that much easier. An hour later, $35 of oriental gold arrived at my home. Along with a delivery man who laughed as he forklifted my order out of his delivery car, and kindly suggested I "take two trips" to carry the food inside.
- Chicken and Broccoli
- Beef and Broccoli
- Boneless Spare Ribs with Chicken Fried Rice
- Hot and Sour Soup
- Two Eggrolls
It is at this point that I would like to mention that I am, by profession, a Health Coach. Feel free to laugh. This only further confirms that pregnancy makes you do some crazy shit.
I did manage to actually cook AND eat some healthy food this week. Below is a stuffed pepper that only gave me heartburn for about twelve hours after consuming it.
Furthermore, since the start of November, I have given myself permission to indulge in my yearly guilty pleasure. Hallmark movies. No, I am not above the age of 75. Yes, I realize there are far better movies available for viewing. I don't care. I am unabashedly, whole-heartedly, a corny Christmas movie lover, and I don't care who knows it. I understand that each storyline is exactly the same. They still get me every time. To make matters worse, I discovered something new.
Me: Greg, I just paid for a year subscription to this thing called FeelN.
Greg: What the hell is that? An adult website?
Me: No, no it is not. It's basically a Netflix for Hallmark movies.
Me: It's the greatest thing I've ever found. Now I don't need to spend $3.99 on each movie on iTunes.
Greg: You were spending MONEY for those movies?!
Me: Well they don't just make them for FREE.
Greg: You are literally, without a doubt, their first and only customer.
Me: That's not very nice.
Greg: Like, they were probably all sitting around at FeelN Headquarters and the computer dinged when you bought the subscription and they all started freaking out and popping champagne.
Greg: I bet you get a t-shirt in the mail that says, "First & Only FeelN Member"
Me: I will wear it proudly.