Kayleigh: WTF is that?
Cody: *after googling* Ummm..they are creepy and sexual looking.
Jenn: Ummm...I have...but only because of Anthony Bourdain. But I've never seen one. And I've lived in Asia.
This was all the confirmation I needed. I think the people who design the content for these apps were bored one day and had the following conversation:
Howard: Okay, Jerry. We need a fruit for the 33 week mark. Whaddya got?
Jerry: Damn Howie, I don't know. I'm getting really sick of this shit. Are there even any fruits left?!
Howard: There has to be something...
Jerry: Let's just make up a fruit to fuck with people and see how many fall for it.
Howard: I like the way you think, Jerry. You know, I once had a Great Aunt Durian...
That's what I imagine happened, anyway. And if you think I'm being sexist by suggesting the app developers had to be male, you are wrong. I'm being sexist because I think only men would come up with something like that. Anyway....onto my second baby shower.
I MUST POINT OUT, that in order to be in this photograph, you needed to have a fancy watch on your left wrist. The ONLY exception for NOT having said watch was if you had aviator sunglasses casually hanging from your shirt. You think I'm joking, but we actually sent a guy home for not complying. I'm not sure anyone has heard from him to this day. Thinking about it, I really don't know where all of these cliches about soldiers dressing the same when out of uniform came about...
I know you're sitting on the edge of your seat, so I'll explain. Listen up, because it's a really complicated explanation: The diaper raffle required that everyone bring a pack of diapers, and they were entered into a raffle for a prize. Now, since our first organized activity (taking the men's group picture) was met with such resistance, I was assuming the same would go for the raffle. NOPE. Mention "free shit" and these grown men practically shoved each other out of the way to get to the living room for the name drawing. It was taken so seriously, that we were not allowed to begin until EVERYONE was in the room. Do you know how hard it is to get five women, two children, and ten men who need to urinate every 5 minutes, into the room at the same time? Spoiler: It's almost impossible. We eventually did it, however.
Bryan: Greg, man. Greg...
Audience: .......*omg this is gonna be good*.......
Bryan: Buy a lot of butt paste.
I'm just going to go ahead and brag here. I was hit on not once but twice. I can't confirm if the initiating parties did in fact have eyesight, but I'm going to go ahead and brush my shoulders off. Naturally, as soon as it happened I ran over excitedly to tell Greg.
Me: Greg! Greg! Guess what!!!
Me: Some guy just hit on me at the bar!!
Me: Yeah, he offered me a shot and everything!
Greg: Well, you didn't take it, right?!
Me: *trying to comprehend what was just said to me*
Greg: Well, you DIDN'T, right?!
Me: YEAH, NO, ACTUALLY I ASKED FOR SEVEN AND CHUGGED THEM ALL.
Me: Oh my god, NO I DIDN'T TAKE A SHOT FROM A STRANGER WHILE PREGNANT.
I continued to awkwardly bump-dance and try to fit in for an hour or two before calling it quits and gathering the group to head home. It was truly a great night. Now, I won't name names, but many of us know that partying all day when you're an adult is different than partying when you're in your college hay-day. That being said, not all of us remember the car ride to the bar, or lasted much longer afterwards. Then, there are some of us that physically made it all night, but don't really remember the majority of the evening. Again, I'm not naming names. I will only say that I love every one of you and I wouldn't have changed a thing. Except maybe next time we'll start the drinking at 4pm instead of 12pm. And maybe I won't be pregnant and can participate. Deal?
When we got home, Greg fought me for about five minutes.
Me: Do you mind if I put on a TV show to fall asleep to?
Greg: YES. I DO MIND.
Me: Okay, why?
Greg: BECAUSE I WANNA WATCH ONE TOO.
Me: Um, you're going to be asleep in two minutes.
Greg: AM NOT!
Me: How much do you want to bet?